John Morton




With tongue mostly in cheek …

I have come to believe that every job is the exact same job.

There is a monkey.

And there’s a mountain.

The job:  Get the monkey to the top of the mountain.

So … day one …

You got a map, you got supplies …

You say “Alright monkey, let’s hit it.”

The monkey doesn’t move.

“Come on monkey, this mountain’s not gonna climb itself.”

Still nothing.

Finally, you say, “hey monkey … I’m not supposed to … carry you …”

Ooo, ooo, before you can finish the sentence the monkey jumps up on your back.

We’re not talking some little Ross from Friends monkey.

This is a hundred pound chimp.


God (curse) it, you think …

This is not how this job was described to me.

But you’re no quitter.

So up the mountain you go.

And it’s tough.

Really tough.

But, after a while, you start to get the hang of it.

You start to feel strong.

And proud.

Hey, I’m kind of good at this.

Halfway up, you notice that the view is spectacular.

That’s when the monkey decides to help.

By help, I mean he starts putting his hands over your eyes.

Starts dropping banana peels at your feet.

You say what the (curse), monkey …

How is this even in your own interest?

You’re going to get us both killed.

Little do you know, the monkey has an MBA.

Masters of Banana Assholery.

Thanks to his help, your job is now ten times harder

But you persist.

You keep going, keep climbing

And somehow, eventually …

You reach the top.

Carrying a big monkey up a big mountain is no small accomplishment.

But you don’t feel proud, just tired and used.

At long last, the monkey jumps down off your back …

Sticks out his big monkey hand for a shake … and says

“Hey man, we’re a pretty good team!”

“Team? What the (curse) are you talking about?”

The monkey, sensing danger, scurries away.

You try to chase after him, but slip on yet another banana peel …

and fall …

head over heels …

all the way …

back down the mountain …

and DIE!!

That, ladies and gentlemen, is every job in the world.

Some of you are probably thinking, “Come on, man, not every job.”

YES, every single job in the world!



Every job.

“But … but … I love my job.”

Oh … I know that you do.

And I know why you love it.

Because you’re the monkey.